FBI to Crack Down on Pagan Magic Attacks Against President Trump

On February 24th, Witches around the world are campaigning to place binding spells on President Donald Trump. For this occasion, PETA has agreed to overlook the abuse of frogs and other animals that have to suffer in order for witches to acquire their proper spell components, such as sheep eyes and blood of crow.

Steel fabricators in Pennsylvania have also reported a spike in cauldron sales. The demand for enormous pots has been so high that many customers are finding themselves on a wait list. Although supplies are extremely low, being placed on a list guarantees that any Witch who places a pre-order will receive a new cauldron to boil cilantro and cat hair in before the 2020 election season.

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Below is an example of a flyer circulated on social media.The Dank Memes INC Advertising and Marketing Department feels that it would have been more effective to reach others had this Witch actually printed 1,000,000 of these and then dropped the bills onto large crowds from her broomstick in the sky above.

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So what is a "Spell to Bind," the same spell that these individuals who have read Harry Potter way too much want to cast on President Trump? For this answer, Dank Memes INC reached out to a subject matter expert who is named after a coil:

With so much insight from the spiritual world, this Witch's omniscient knowledge of Trump has allowed her to craft the all-knowing opinion that he is "a toddler." Dank Memes INC wishes to ask, "Hath though taken thy third eye and gazed into the hearts and minds of Daesh? Gazeth into thateth, honey."

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As many Witches get prepared for their Pagan Ritual, Whole Foods has announced that non-pagan hipsters may not be able to find their freshest herbs and spices in stock among the seasoning isles. McCormick, a leading name in the spice industry, has refused to make a comment on the upcoming spice shortages. However, many poultry plantations have come forward to report the upsurge in the theft of chickens.

"Sometimes they just steal the feathers," one farmer reports.

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The importance of clearing away all that "I hate my father" energy cannot be stressed enough. Should a Witch conduct the binding ritual in a room with negative energy, let's say the same room the Witch yelled at her parents in when they told her she would have to pay her own way through college, than that witch could face backlash from the spiritual realm.

There are evil spirits awaiting the Witch who doesn't properly cleanse her ritual area. Some other-worldy entities have been known to posses their host and make them feed estrogen to their five year old sons. Other spirits make individuals die their hair bright red so that they can look like Rhianna.

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Paganism is soooo 1990's. There are many other counter-culturally spiritual ways to piss off your parents. Scientology is taking off and there are vampire cults in New Orleans that you could join. But, if you really want to make a statement, if you really want to make daddy cringe, stop drawing your energy from trees and rocks and do something profound with your spirituality: